Journaling my Roller Coaster Emotions during the Corona Virus

  

2 weeks ago (4 weeks into staying home)

The feelings I experience the most are fear/anxiety but mainly gratitude. I’m not sure if my life has slowed down so I am more aware of the goodness around me, or I’m more conscious of the struggles facing everyone but almost every day I feel some heart-stopping pang of overwhelming gratitude. I am thankful that we are together as a family and healthy, we have plenty of food to eat, work to do, access to a healthcare system that is so far not overwhelmed, classes to take, hobbies to fulfill, and a beautiful mountain to explore in a variety of ways. When I think back to before COVID, I of course miss parts of my life, like the ability to travel and see friends, family, experience new places, get a pedicure or a facial, eat at a restaurant, hug my friends, plan a get together, to name a few. If I can forget the storm churning outside of my bubble, I am content, not rushed, present in the moment and the love that surrounds me. The quiet has allowed me to take it all in. The lack of expectation - that regardless of how much I try or don’t try, I am still here in this moment. I might be wearing sweatpants and making an unremarkable meal. Perhaps I didn’t get to cross anything off of my quarantine to-do list. There is no place to go but the present, and no one else to be with other than my immediate family. As one of my friends recently posted on FB, we are all in the same storm, but we are not in the same boat. I feel incredibly fortunate to be in a bit more solid vessel during this storm (the recession in 2008? Not so much).

One week ago (5 weeks into staying home)

Without all of the commotion of life swirling around, we are able to not only stop and smell the roses, but maybe also paint the roses, fertilize the roses, and write a poem about how beautiful the roses are. Time is the greatest asset, each moment is unique and we can’t get it back, making it invaluable. So what are we doing with this unexpected gift of seemingly endless amounts of time (albeit with a huge cost to society)? 

Some are using it to work on projects that have been sitting forever in need of attention (cleaning the garage, the closet, organizing photos, etc) Some are using it to fret and worry about what the future brings, some are creating memes or dying their hair pink, a lot are baking bread (which seems weird given the obsession with gluten-free over the last several years) some are wondering why the hell we are in this situation and looking to assign blame, and a few brilliant minds are trying to figure out a plan to get us back on track. Yet others are struggling, crying, and experiencing great anxiety. And at the worst, many are mourning the death of a loved one.

I feel completely blessed to live in a house full of food and to have this uninterrupted forced family time together. Our lives have been non-stop movement, planning, schoolwork, organized sports, and trips to support those sports since the kids were 10 years old. Never have we taken a week to stay at home and do nothing. And it is not awful! Obviously, some days are better than others, but I’m pleased with our ability to cohabitate day in and day out with minimal conflict. We have more or less accepted our mission to stay home and flatten the curve. We eat dinner together most nights, we work on a puzzle, watch a movie, do yard work, we exercise together – inside our makeshift gym in the tv room, and outside as much as possible. We bake, snuggle with the dogs, learn new important skills like poker, guitar, and meditation, while honing discarded skills like painting and writing. We are hiking, skinning/touring, biking, skateboarding, playing frisbee, sledding, and whatever else we can think of that allows us to be outdoors and 6 ft from our friends.

Things I have enjoyed over the past few weeks: the welcome warmth of a spring afternoon, walking into the living room to see the kids studying and listening to classical jazz, the comforting feeling of my dog’s head resting on my feet, dropping flowers on my friend’s doorstep to brighten her day, getting together with friends at the end of the driveway for BYOB social distancing cocktail hour, trading recipes with friends, family and strangers, following good news networks, seeing families walking together on the rail trail, laughing when my friend chose the oval office background for her zoom session, dressed in a coat and tie.

As much as I am filled with fear about the future of our world, I am also filled with gratitude for my family, my home, my dogs, my friends, the mountains, the sunrise and the sunset. 

Today (NEARLY 6 WEEKS HOME)

The feelings that overwhelm me today are … 

WHY CAN’T YOU DO YOUR OWN FRICKIN’ DISHES? 

HOW CAN YOU BE HUNGRY AGAIN? 

WHO ATE ALL OF THE TORTILLA CHIPS? 
WHY ISN'T RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA LEGAL IN OUR STATE?

WHEN DID MY HAIR GO GRAY? 

DID I ACTUALLY USED TO WEAR ALL OF THESE CLOTHES? 

WHY CAN’T I STOP EATING? 

DID I REALLY FIT INTO THOSE JEANS 4 WEEKS AGO? 
I HAVE EATEN A TRUCK LOAD OF CHOCOALTE. AND THAT WAS BEFORE EASTER.

HOW HAVE I LIVED WITH THIS PERSON FOR 27 YEARS?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT HANDLE OF VODKA I BOUGHT 3 DAYS AGO?

In the beginning, when we would meet for our social distancing hikes, we would talk about how the kids were handling being out of school, how many times a day we could walk our dogs, how this was impacting work, our fear and anxiety over germs, cancelling travel plans, coming to terms with an extremely delayed graduation ceremony, if they have one at all, and how long it would take to kill one of our spouses and bury them in the yard.

6 weeks later, and since none of us are traveling, or entertaining, or going to shows, or eating at restaurants, or trying out a new gym class, our conversations have run dry. All we can talk about are the latest news articles, the confusing lack of clarity on anything, and the insomnia inducing anxiety about not having a competent leader to guide us through one of the toughest times we will face as a country. But it will be ok because we are in this together! Separately, at a safe distance, but not really because some of us are on our motorized yachts, and others don’t even have a dingy with an oar. 

We are over it, sick of cooking, sick of uncertainty, sick of loading/unloading the dishwasher, and really sick of reading about nothing but this damned virus and the havoc it is wreaking on the world. We are sick of the grocery store being our only outing, and how weird it is to feel like we are amongst a group of unwitting bank robbers as we navigate the produce department while maintaining a corona friendly distance of 2 yards (we are even sick of 6 feet!) 

At least during WWII, women could work in the factories or knit socks or something. Unless you have medical training, had the virus or somehow got a magical test that proves you have the antibody, you are stuck feeling helpless. The only thing you can do is stay at home, and it is not much to ask, it really isn’t. We’ve been doing it, but for a virus that should take 2 weeks to knock down, it will have been closer to 8 weeks of halted activity because of our uncoordinated, reactive steps taken so far. I whine and complain to my safe group of confidantes, and we remind each other that we need to be patient for a little while longer, the curve is flattening, and we are making progress. Hang on, have faith, and don’t lose hope.