PERI....Everything

PERI-menopause:  the period in a woman’s life shortly before the occurrence of menopause.   The average age of a woman who experiences menopause is 51.  Perimenopause can take place up to 10 years before that.  Since when is 10 years a short amount of time?  10 years is a decade.  Half the time a child lives at home, part of a career.  While my perimenopausal symptoms are not majorly life altering, they are more than mildly annoying.  They are nagging reminders that my body is aging, inside as well as out. 

PERI-vision: The time in a person’s life shortly before the reluctant adoption of bi-focals.  Even more maddening than the hormonal issues that are out of my control is the fact that my vision has completely gone to hell.  I have worn contacts to see far since my early 20’s.  No problem.  I could still read, work, and go about my day in the usual fashion while wearing contacts.  Since I started using my near vision more frequently (computer work, etc), when I am wearing my contacts, I now need reading glasses for office work, reading phone texts, menus, etc.  When I’m not wearing my contacts, I can see up to 3 feet in front of me flawlessly, but beyond that, life is a big blur.   I am in a bewildering vision purgatory where one piece of equipment no longer suffices.   Every day tasks have become laden with choosing the right looking glass for the occasion, and I never seem to have enough or the right one.   Instead of glamorous designer sunglasses gracing the crown of my head, I have glorified magnifying glasses propped on the end of my nose.  I swear that George Costanza was right when he told Jerry Seinfeld that he could improve his vision by squinting.  When I squint I really CAN read my phone, but then I need more botox.  Not a win-win.

PERI -parenting:  The time in a person’s life shortly before her child leaves home for college.   Your child feels like they don’t need a parent and often looks at you as if you don’t exist, but in reality they need you more than ever.   You are there to cook meals and otherwise serve as a domestic (unpaid) slave, but also to act at various times as a therapist, coach, tutor, confidant, chauffer, nutritionist, healthy lifestyle advocate (i.e. sex education specialist), role model, drill sergeant, translator (what your father meant to say was…), verbal punching bag, curfew enforcer, and bleary eyed worry wart.  The child that you nurtured from infancy and cooed over their every achievement has now become an awkward young adult that eats more than an elephant, wears more clothes than Barbie and Ken put together, and is involved in more activities than you are (or ever were).  You can’t control everything they do, but they still live with you, eat your food and drive your vehicle.   Their hormonal status medically places them in the “insane” category, but you have to let them go out on their own and make decisions that are sometimes bad and offer experiences for “personal growth”.   And you must do this sober, in case, God forbid you need to retrieve them from one of these personal growth incidents in the middle of the night.

Peri – Lift:  The time in a woman’s life where she contemplates having several parts of her body and face lifted surgically, but shortly before she actually goes under the knife.  Things are falling and starting to pucker i.e. eyelids, boobs, butts, knees, and jowls.  Fillers and Botox don’t last as long as they used to.  Peels and other treatments are getting expensive and less effective.  The Crepe Erase product, marketed by Jane Seymour, begins to look appealing.   The piggy banks are filling up with savings for THAT DAY, when I disappear for 2 weeks and return looking well rested and rejuvenated.

PERI– lunacy:  The time in a women’s life where all of this PERI-activity makes her feel as though she is on the brink of insanity, but not quite.  Because if you make it through the PERI parts, there is a sort of calm, aged paradise that awaits:

1.     Menopause finally arrives!  No more hot flashes or night sweats.  Hoorah!   Feminine hygiene products can be replaced with massive quantities of KY. 

2.     Your vision is completely compromised and you give in to wearing bifocals ALL the time.   However, when you and your significant other take off your bifocals for conjugal, KY filled activities, neither of you can see anything and are able to fantasize that you are 25 again!

3.     The kids are gone, supporting themselves and you are free to travel, write a novel, and invest in plastic surgery without judgment.  You will be completely lifted in body and spirit!   

4.     Enjoy this time because there are always PERI- situations lurking around the corner such as PERI grandparent, PERI caregiver, PERI – loss of bladder control, PERI erectile dysfunction, etc.