If and When

I was talking to an old friend recently who was going through a rough period and during our discussion we both admitted that we had given up on our dreams, or at least don’t think about them anymore.

My senior yearbook quote was from Hamlet “Dreams indeed are ambition, for the very substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream.”  The accompanying picture shows me at the end of a dock with my hands poised as if in flight – hurrying off to conquer the world.  Wow, what an optimistic, idealistic young woman I was.  Ambition?  I can’t remember the last time I felt ambitious.  (Well - I did clean out the kids’ lockers last week – THAT required some serious ambition.)  Now I am a jaded, middle aged, independent who no longer believes in our political system, and can’t even muster a dream (other than some about Christian Grey, but those don’t count). 

I looked back on a few of the dreams I had when I was younger to see how they turned out:

1. Be a successful business woman

After grad school, I joined one of the many high tech start-ups in the Boston area.  I was determined to put my newly acquired business management skills to work!  People were getting rich over night left and right at these companies.  When I started, stock options were at $40/share.  Within a year it doubled and split, and then doubled again and split.  I never sold any stock – thinking it would go on like this forever and one day I would have 100,000 shares worth $100/share.  This was the late 90’s when we were riding high on bloated budgets and money on paper that meant nothing in real life.  By the time the company was sold to Intel in 2000, the stock price was $6/share, well below the $40 I had options for.  I remember being in Florida for a sales meeting and we were dancing at a bar yelling along with the song “I get knocked down” by Chumbawamba.  We substituted the catchy yet more appropriate lyrics “I got 6 bucks, but I’ll get up again.”  While I considered myself successful in terms of being a good manager and getting promoted, etc., financially speaking it was a less than a windfall.

2. After my vast prosperity achieved in the business world, I planned to use my new- found high tech fortune to buy my mom a new car and a new house.

My mom is quite frugal and seems content in her house that is paid for and car that gets around town just fine, which is good news, because at $6/share, I couldn’t even afford to buy her a Hyundai.

3. Buy my grandmother’s historic home in Connecticut and turn it into a grand summer country retreat with a pool and horses for my extended family.

My grandmother’s house did come up for sale in 2008 and sold in less than a week to someone who had a family history in the house back in the 1800’s.  I never even knew it was on the market.  Thanks a lot Grammie!

4. Own or rent a beach house on the Vineyard or Nantucket shore where I would "summer" with my family.  My kids would have their “summer friends” that they looked forward to seeing every year.  They would scoop ice cream at the local sweet shop when they were old enough to get a job.  We would have nostalgic family reunions with my east coast family each June.   In the fall and winter I would return to our beach home solo once a month and walk on the beach in a bulky warm sweater, hair blowing in the breeze like the protagonist of a Danielle Steele novel.   I would drink Earl Grey tea, paint ocean landscapes and write my best selling memoir.

When we moved to Park City, this dream evaporated (just like every other piece of moisture in my life).  You have to be quite ambitious (or have friends in the right places) to get to east coast beaches from Utah.  Second home ownership is something I don’t even contemplate in these uncertain economic times.  In fact, renting my primary residence is sounding increasingly attractive. 

About a year ago, I constructed a second list entitled "If I sell the house, I will....."

5. Live in Italy for 3 months and explore the countryside, tour museums, take art classes, flirt with Italians, and eat eat eat. 

This seems to be a common fantasy among us cougars.  So much so that there was a book compiled and a movie produced in which Julia Roberts experienced it all for us.  But then she had to repent in some strange Indian land with silence and yucky cuisine.  I will put this on the back burner until it becomes less popular.

6. Vacation on a Greek island just like the one in Mamma Mia with Colin Firth, but without Pierce Brosnan attempting to legitimize his vocal chords. 

I could probably get a lot for my $$ in Greece these days, but alas – no big European vacation is on the horizon any time soon.

Looking back at these notions, I realize that they all sound simpatico in theory, and they aren’t completely selfish. In fact, they were damn good dreams.  But they mostly rely on “if” and “when”, which places me in a purgatory of yearning.  I’m never quite satisfied and always looking back or ahead.  However, when I cease to live in the “if and when”, there are some pretty awesome things taking place in the “now.”   Yes, Eckhart Tolle, I did read some of your book!!

Exhibit A) Being present and enjoying a quiet evening on my patio looking at the mountains with my husband and a cold beer (after a marathon weeding session).

Exhibit B) Driving my son around for the 8^th time yesterday because I know next year he will have his license and we won’t have that time together in the car to “bond” (aka argue, philosophize, bicker).

Exhibit C) Taking my daughter to an animated film – I know our days for these are numbered.   Pretty soon, she will want to take her friends to see Magic Mike (not sure where she gets these seedy objectives from!) 

Exhibit D) Waking up and viewing 5 hot air balloons outside my window, billowing around in the puffy clouds.   

Exhibit  E) Mountain biking through wild flowers for two hours and still feeling strong when I'm done.

I am living the dream, I just need to wake up every once in a while and acknowledge it!