March Madness

I’m not talking about basketball, or even ski racing - both sports culminating in massive amounts of training, races/games, high tension and in some cases questionable gambling throughout the month of March.  For me, March madness symbolizes a different sort of neurosis:  the culmination of 5 months of beauty dormancy.   My body has been completely hidden from view, happily tucked into jeans and sweaters at best, and in many cases layers of long underwear and ski clothes.  All of which seem to easily accommodate my ever-expanding saddle bags and pot belly.   March represents the final phase of comfort food dinners featuring the likes of macaroni and cheese, beef stew and pizza.  My skin and hair are intensely dry from the combination of harsh cold weather and indoor heating.  And perhaps worst of all is the ghastly hue of my skin.  Pale. Waxy. Ashen.  The whitish tint highlights every cellulite bump, unshaven hair, freckle, scar, and unsightly vein on my body.  In March, like no other month, I feel blah all over.  You have heard the old proverb that if March comes in like a lamb it goes out like a lion and visa versa.  In my life, March always comes in like a hippopotamus and (with any luck) will go out like a svelte cheetah, puma or cougar as the case may be.  

Next month, I am thankful to be taking a warm vacation with friends.  I am not looking forward to displaying my post-hibernation figure in a swimsuit for all to see.  I’ve been doing a little recon to see how the Sports Illustrated models get ready for their photo shoot.  (Not that I am at all comparing my Michelin-man self or my family vacation to a swimsuit shoot in exotic Ibiza, because they are NOTHING alike).  While we are all aware that these women are born gorgeous, I’m sure they indulge every once in a while and need to adopt a routine to perfect themselves for the celebrated swimsuit debut.

Here is what I discovered.  3 weeks before the event, the model starts working out twice a day (She didn’t specify  - but I’m assuming around 2 hours, one hour of cardio and one hour of strength training).  She eliminates dairy, meat, sugar and gluten from her diet.  12 days before, she stops eating solid food and only drinks shakes or vegetables and fruits that are juiced.  12 hours before, she eats and drinks absolutely nothing.  Keep in mind that she is probably in her early twenties and has an incredible metabolism.  

Let’s see if I can employ my every day math skills to figure out a similar program for myself.  I am twice her age and my metabolism is at least half as slow.  I am also half her height.  I think this indicates that I need to do twice as much for twice as long.  Ergo, 6 weeks before our vacation I should have started doing 4 hours of workouts per day.  24 days before departure,  I should abstain from solid food and 24 hours before, proceed into starvation and dehydration mode.   This sounds like cruel and unusual punishment that one would suffer at the hands of a demented prison warden.   

Given that I only have 3 weeks until our trip, (and am not into self-inflicted anguish), I have devised another plan:  Two weeks before:  Find large cover-up to fully cover up fat ass.  One week before: Purchase large hat and sun glasses to ensure anonymity. Schedule colonoscopy 24 hours before departure for a full cleansing covered by insurance (5 lbs)! Immediately after colonoscopy drugs wear off, head to tanning salon for a fake spray-on tan (virtual 5 lbs).  Get on the plane:  drink two margaritas to forget about how I look, give my husband the SI Swimsuit issue to ogle, and hope that none of the swimsuit models have chosen to vacation on the same island where I will be.