Even though my ancestors reign from Portugal and water is my middle name, i can’t swim. My family seems rather irritated by this peculiar lack of functionality on my part, but hey - Portugal is a long way from Butte Montana, where I was born. Besides, i can pass for a doodle on a good hair day.
i have a big brother who wrestles and plays tug of war with me. Even though we weren’t part of the same litter, we are kindred spirits. i often sleep with him in his comfortable bed and he even puts a soft pillow under my head. We create some formidable smells together during the night.
i also have a little sister who is constantly hugging and kissing me. i try to be patient, but she takes cuddling to the X-factor level. Recently, she has also invited me into her place of slumber and i reluctantly agree to follow her. i plant my rear end firmly near her face so she can’t grab my neck for a hug. She attempts to clothe me, like some sort of commercial build- a-bear, which i loathe. They should have bought her a small terrier that she could manipulate more easily.
My dad is not often around, but when he is, he allows me to join him in his special room where he gazes at a screen most of the time. i round myself into a ball on the leather chair that shares my color and enjoy peace and quiet.
And then, there is my adopted mom. Our relationship is complicated. When they first brought me home, i assumed that i was the queen bee or alpha female as they say in the canine domaine. This bossy woman thought differently. We battled it out for a couple of months, but her large brain and tight hold on the leash allowed her to triumph in the hierarchy war. i’m pretty sure she is bi-polar - either she is kissing and hugging me like the little one, or she is yelling at me and banishing me to the outdoors. The latter takes place every time she grabs ahold of that ridiculously loud robot that she wields around the kitchen. She also has a strange preoccupation with my paws. Whenever i return from a jaunt outside, she scrubs them madly with a towel before i am allowed to continue my path through the house. i find this OCD ritual annoying, but don’t have much choice in the matter. i do forgive some of her less desirable traits as she is the one who takes me out to explore the world. She also feeds me that remarkably bland dog chow twice daily. She has the biggest bed of all, but i am rarely allowed access to this space.
There are a few special friends that i enjoy adventuring with: Hoku and Koa claim to be Hawaiian, but they look like black labs to me. At first Hoku was weary of my presence and gave me several warnings, but as i pose no threat, we have an agreement: he protects me from other dogs and i don’t bother him. Koa is like my great uncle, kindly and pleasant, but i run circles around him.
Schumacher is a stocky fellow like me, but he is less than a foot tall and has supremely long ears and a deep voice. We dated for a while, but he couldn’t keep up with me on our walks and our courtship ended rather abruptly.
Then there is a Spade. He is thin, with short prickly black hair and he is faster than a cheetah. i think his father was a boxer, which accounts for his quick feet. He always has a ball in his mouth, which i find strangely attractive. Being a curly haired female brunette, i am no stranger to the butt sniff mambo. In fact i am quite popular on the trails. Because of our close relationship, Spade attempts to mount me, which i simply don’t understand. i do the same thing back to him. Somewhere in my psyche i sense that i am not equipped for this act, but i do it anyway. Neither of us derive any pleasure from this activity.
i know 10 words (which places me in the “average intelligence” category), but through context and situation i actually have a much greater sense of meaning than my family thinks I do. You will notice that most of the words i know are capitalized and followed by an exclamation point. No one speaks to me quietly, they assume i am deaf and shout these words as if i were a 98 year old dog, when in reality, i’m only 21.
COME! - they either seek out my company because they love me, or they are mad and want to punish me. If their inflection insinuates the latter, i often pretend i don’t comprehend this word.
GO! Mostly the bi-polar one yells this to me on the trail when i’m not trotting fast enough.
SIT! This is a pleasant word to hear. After i perform this task, i receive some sort of treat. i’m still not sure why i need to have my arse on the ground in order to get a cookie, but i comply nonetheless.
STAY! My arse remains on the ground.
WATCH OUT! This means that if i proceed any further i am going to experience that egregious shocking sensation around my neck, or that an automobile is approaching. Either way, i stop in my tracks.
OK! This signifies that it is safe to cross the road, or pass through a specified area without high voltage therapy.
NO! i hear this often. Every day. Multiple times per day.
OFF! When i meet someone new, i want to get a better look at their faces so i get up on my haunches. Apparently, this is considered rude in the human world and i am continually rebuffed for my actions. When i try to sniff their butt, it is even worse. i don’t know how i am supposed to get to know these people better.
REMY - this is my adopted name.
LEAVE IT! i enjoy a little coyote excrement as a delicacy now and then, but boy does my mom go postal about this one. i can’t even repeat some of the words she uses. Very unladylike.
Here are a few other things i know:
- When my keen sense of hearing identifies a “chop chop” sound emanating from the kitchen, more often than not I will be the beneficiary of a delightful apple core, so I drool and wait, sometimes I even cry loudly.
- Small people who enter the house ALWAYS drop food so i follow them around mercilessly. My brother also falls into this category, even though he is quite tall.
- Occasionally an older couple takes me to their home in the suburbs for a visit, and i take advantage of them - they feed me everything and let me sit on the couch! They obviously don’t know the wrath of bipolar betty! They better WATCH OUT!!!
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