Coiffure in Crisis

I fear a hair predicament coming on.  Listed below are the telltale signs that I’m about to do something drastic:

1. As I look down in my shower, through a veil of suds, this is what I see:

At least two of these shampoo/conditioner pairs were purchased within the last two weeks.  Go ahead, count them.  There are 5 shampoos and 6 conditioners.  I would like to say that a couple of them belong to my husband, but it is simply not true.  As much as I occasionally stretch the truth about his less than redeeming qualities, it is not the case this time.  They all belong to me.  Don’t do any more math please, my own hasty monetary calculations made me feel slightly nauseous.   In my defense, I use all of them regularly except for the Paul Mitchell Awapuhi conditioner that I purchased as the result of a bad tip from a new hairdresser.   Another alarming revelation, the list of hair stylistics, colorists, and salons that I’ve visited over the last 9 years in Utah absolutely exceeds the number of hair products in my shower.

First – let’s discuss my hair.  I have thin hair, but a lot of it (or I used to have a lot of it, based on what’s sitting in the drain after my daily hygiene, I must have a lot less of it).  It is dry and frizzy and sort of curly/wavy when left to its own devices – which because it looks so hellish, I rarely do.  Instead, I blow dry and then flat iron/curling iron depending on the occasion.  I live in an excruciatingly dry climate and we have a lot of minerals in our water.  It also grows painfully slow, so if I get it cut – I’m looking at years to grow it out.  As I read this last paragraph, it is no wonder my hair is dry and “unmanageable” as they say.  With all of these factors, it just doesn’t have a chance. And so, the psychology of marketeer wins and I embrace the theory that I too can have shiny, thick, perfectly coiffed hair like Courtney Cox if I just use Pantene’s age defying products.

If I thoroughly examined all of the ingredients in these products, I would likely find that 95% of them are the same and I’m paying varying amounts of money to put the same old shit in my hair day after day.  I have made a few attempts to compare the ingredients, but honestly the words are so long and unfamiliar and put in different orders, it is impossible.  I’m fairly certain this is a deliberate effort from the hair companies to keep us confused so we continue to believe that the newest and best product will somehow transform our hair into that of the celebrity of the moment.  Honestly, what is left of my rational, intellectual brain comprehends this.  The emotional, vain, narcissistic side is compromised.  It must be all the dry hair surrounding it; it is seeping into my thought process like the wayward hormones of an unruly teenager. 

2. Ok, you think the shower looks bad?  Let’s take a look at the styling and so called “leave-in” products, not quite as bad  - my little army only numbers ten items.  Some for when I leave my hair curly (none work), others for thickening, straightening, detangling, repairing split ends, smoothing, and then there are the variety of oils I purchased in an unsuccessful effort to obtain something as effective, but less expensive than Moroccan oil.   Again – don’t undertake the math, it is depressing.

3. I’ve been ripping hairstyles out of every fashion magazine on the shelf.  I will read an entire InStyle and not even take a glance at the clothes, I’m all about the hair.    Again, I know some (most?) of these styles are not right for me at all, but a girl has to dream.  The style pictured below is the one I showed to my son, who looked at it, gave me a funny look and said, “Mom, do we need to have a little talk?  Are you having a mid life crisis?  This look is pretty goth.”  Now obviously I’m not going to sport the beat me up eyeliner, or the S&M choker so I actually think this cut is pretty cute.  Let’s not discuss the fact that this girl is a MODEL, maybe 18 years old, with thick straight hair that probably grows two inches a month.  The antithesis of my challenged locks. 

4.  The final straw in any hair crisis is when one consults the virtual hairstyler, which I paid $14.95 to do.  These four indisputable alerts indicate that I’m going to lose it very soon,  make an appointment with a new stylist who doesn’t know me,  chop it all off and immediately regret it.  This is my cycle, which takes place about every 24 months:

CHOP------à loathe new shorter hair and lack of styling options -------à proclaim to be “growing it out” ------à increasing annoyance with longer frizzy hair -----à have PMS ----à  make appointment ----à CHOP. 

Please vote now for the following styles:

Ellen Barkin's bob cut

Cameron Diaz

Courtney Cox - a definite no on the dark hair and center part

this is some disney star my daughter watches - I would need extensions obviously

Alyson Hannigan