The Middle Aged Beauty Routine

The Middle Aged Beauty Routine

I’ve been trying to take care of my skin since I was young.  I wouldn’t say I was obsessed but I did start using eye cream in my 20’s.  I think it was on my 20^th birthday.  Anyway, when you hit middle age you need to up your game.

If you are wondering why it takes your wife so long to get to bed (besides the obvious trying to avoid sex procrastination), the following might represent some of her activities:

Step 1: Oral Hygiene:  Brush teeth, floss, brush retainer/mouth guard, insert (this is also a good sex deterrent – the depiction in the movie “Date Night “is pretty accurate) use Crest whitening strips once a month.

Step 2: Cleansing:  Wash face with a mild natural cleanser from whole foods, follow with the clarisonic machine for eyes.  30 seconds per eye and another 30 seconds for my frown lines between my eyes (also known as the “11” lines or in yoga as the “third eye”). Although the brochure does not list this area for clarisonic use, I’m doing my own experiment.

Step 3: Moisturize and anti-aging:  Apply product with retinol to reduce fine lines (but not on the nose because that produces peeling, use another moisturizing night cream for that area).  Apply eye cream to eye area.  Apply nighttime moisture cream OVER the retinol cream.  Apply “frownie” to aforementioned frown lines (a diamond shaped piece of paper that looks like the part of an envelope that you lick).  For some inexplicable reason, my third eye is very active at night, so this helpful little piece of paper (which has been around for years and is the cheapest of all the products I own) keeps me from exercising my frown muscles at night. .  In the morning I awake minus the 11 lines (and without enlightenment – but we all have to suffer for beauty), however, the results are not long lasting.  Typically I cannot stay out past 9 pm for fear that my 11 lines will resurface.  I run from any social engagement like Cinderella at midnight. (this is not me in the photo - that is a airbrushed model who clearly doesn't need frownies)

Step 4:  Rough body parts:  Almost done.  I have finally left the bathroom and am entering the bedroom. At this point you might guess that my husband has been asleep for well over 30 minutes and it would be safe to enter the sheets.  THINK AGAIN.  The guy is a total night owl with the sex drive of an 18 year-old (thank goodness, he does not possess a matching refractory period).  Clearly he also doesn’t look at my face anymore because he is not at all deterred by the sticker on my forehead or unattractive plastic contraption in my mouth.  While simultaneously pushing away groping paws, I slather my feet with Aquaphor to prevent my heels from cracking, then apply Burts Bees cuticle cream, and softening hand cream.  And of course, lib balm.  Ok, I think I’m done and begrudgingly ready for conjugal duties.

Step 5:  Vitamins: Wait!  I forgot the vitamins that I take before bed:  B12 for memory, fish oil for healthy heart and mind, Biotin so my brittle hair will grow, evening primrose oil for my skin, and of course calcium so I don’t shrink.  

Step 6:  Hormone therapy: While I am in the bathroom taking vitamins, I remember my progesterone cream that I rub on my wrists to control my hormones.  It has the added benefit of preventing me from murdering my family during certain times of the month.

Step 7:  Hair loss:  Shit, I forgot about Latisse for my eyelashes, which, in their fabulous youth were dark, long, and naturally curly.  I’m not sure when they decided to leave my eyelids, but somewhere in my early 40’s they began to disappear one by one.  And they never replenished themselves.  Applying Latisse a few times a week is a very effective beauty aid for this particular ailment. 

Step 8:  The Fountain of Youth - Sleep:  When I’m at home (and alone), everything is dark and quiet so at this point, I can finally go to sleep (only to wake 3 hours later in a full-on sweat – but that is a whole other topic for another blog).  However, if I’m traveling – I take extra measures to ensure a rejuvenating slumber by adding bright orange industrial earplugs (from Home Depot) and the blue sleep mask (compliments of Delta I think).  Of course, I only do this in front of my dearest and closest friends because I know they would never tell anyone or make fun of me (NOT!).  

If this is what my routine looks like at 45, I may never make it to bed at 65.  I’m hoping that by 85 I will have accepted the aging process and simply take out my dentures and my hearing aid, clap out the lights, and fall into my craftmatic bed.