To:
Mom
From:
Kristie
Re:
xmas ideas for gram
Any ideas on what to get Gram for
Christmas? I know her place is smaller
now so she doesn’t have room for any more stuff. Thanks K
To:
Kristie
From:
Mom
Re:
NO IDEAS
Hi Kris,
I got Gram 2 pair of incontinence
panties for Christmas. Jeanne said she needed them, as somehow her laundry gets
lost. I’m not sure how that happens when everything is labeled with her
name…but s**t happens. In case you want the site it’s Amazon.com
CareActive Women’s Reusable Incontinence Panty, X-large in Health &
Personal Care. Love, Mom
To:
Mom
From:
Kristie
Re:
kidding??
I hope you are joking. Please don't
give her that for Xmas. If I got that
for Xmas I would euthanize myself. Get her some nice chocolate or a gift
certificate to a restaurant that she likes and you can take her when you visit. Love, Kristie
To:
Mom
From:
Kristie
Re:
P.S.
I will NEVER get you incontinence
panties for Xmas. Love, me
This is a real email conversation between my
mother and me a couple of Christmas seasons ago. This little gem has been stowed away in my
inbox for almost two years because I promised not to use it in my blog. Apparently, my mother was going through a
tough time, and my stepfather, realizing this was ripe for my blog fodder
assured me that I should NOT use this as blog material or it would push my
mother over the edge (see old blog about the 30+ year old face cloth that didn't go over so well with Mom). Reluctantly I
agreed to put it on the back burner.
However, I came across this email the other day and
started laughing out loud by myself. I then called my mom and I got her
laughing about it too, so I’m in the clear.
So I must preface this by saying that I love my
grandmother and mother beyond measure.
They have both served as great role models in my life and hopefully they
can appreciate the humor in this situation as I have. Also, shopping for one’s grandmother, at 96
years of age is always a difficult task. At
that point in life, she has way too many things and is generally trying to give
away what is left, so finding the appropriate gift can be daunting for
sure.
That being said, there are so many things that
are wrong with this short exchange, let’s conduct a brief analysis.
First
and foremost, the words incontinence and panties don’t go
in the same sentence together, or on the same packaging. If you are incontinent, you should not be
wearing “panties”. I don’t think you
could even substitute knickers in this sentence. I can't picture Bridget Jones saying “this is the
perfect occasion for some seriously incontinent knickers” as she preps for a
romantic interlude in the nursing home.
I believe the term my mother (and apparently
the marketing department) was trying to avoid is “adult diaper”, which is
understandable. None of us is looking
forward to the time when we need to wear these, but at 96, there are worse
things going on I’m sure. The image that
is conjured up by incontinent and panties is just not pleasant, whereas adult
diapers pretty much sums up the situation perfectly.
Second: I can appreciate my mother’s frugality and
the challenge of finding a gift for a nonagenarian, but it isn’t like my grandmother
is getting mountains of gifts for xmas.
Get her something fun, unnecessary, and maybe even risky – like a nip
size bottle of whiskey to hide in her wheelchair. When we were teenagers and my mother had
clearly reached the end of her rope with the whole xmas façade but my brother
and I still wanted the Santa experience, she would wrap up toiletries and put
them in our stockings. Deodorant, soap,
razors – anything to fill the stocking with things we would use. My father used to get her some appliance or
other for xmas and I vowed this would never happen to me. Christmas should be special, not a trip to Rite Aid. Kids -- I don’t care how old or incontinent I am, put the adult
diapers in my closet when you visit, do not wrap them up and put them under the
tree. I beg of you. Keep a little mystery and magic in the holiday;
don’t remind me of my ailing physicality during the Yuletide.
Third: I
also love that she ponders the disappearance of my grandmother’s previous pairs
of presumably used incontinent panties on a regular basis. And to add insult to injury, then says s**t happens! Was this a subconscious pun? Maybe my mom should have been a stand up comic,
she really is quite funny.
Finally,
the fact that she assumes that I too, might want to send my grandmother the
panties and provides me with very specific instructions on how to find
them. As if opening one package of
incontinent panties on xmas wasn’t enough, my grandmother needs two
packages? I mean, what do you say when you open a gift like that?
My grandmother is also one of the most frugal
people I know, but I think even she would prefer the gift of a dry derriere to
be something she experiences on a regular basis with some semblance of modesty,
and not a special holiday treat for all to see!
Happy Holidays and good luck finding the
perfect gift for everyone in your family!
