Race Lag

This is for all of you ski team parents who spend endless hours preparing for, waiting for and watching ski racing on the weekends.  I arrived home after a three-day race with what I am now calling “race lag”.  I felt strangely like I had been traveling on a long, multi-stop plane flight.  After further thought, I found several similarities between ski-race spectatorship and current airline travel.

Ski Race	Airline Travel
Pack all ski equipment, snacks and water for you and your racer.	Pack your clothes, snacks and 3 oz toiletries for airline travel.
Get up at 6 am to watch an 11 am race	Get up at 6 am to make a 10 am flight
Exceed the speed limit while driving to the mountain so your kid isn’t late to get their race bib	High tail it to the airport in case of long security lines
Wait in line to buy lift ticket	Wait in line at security
Because you still have 3.5 hours before you are technically required to do anything, try to sleep in the lodge.  Repulsed by breakfast remnants on the tables, and the smell of the bathroom wafting into the cafeteria/lodge.  Germs abound.	Get on the plane.  Sit on the tarmac for another 2 hours because of mechanical problems.  Repulsed by sticky seats and the person next to you eating smelly egg sandwich.  Germs abound.
After reading the NY Times cover to cover, having ten cups of expensive coffee, and deleting old emails from the last 6 months off of your phone, race time is finally here.  Watch your kid go too fast down a ski-hill with nothing to protect him but a helmet.  Annoyed listening to other parents talk about how great their kids are.  Feel nauseous and upset, can’t wait for the race to be over.	After reading the Delta Sky Journal cover to cover, dying of thirst because the flight attendant is ignoring you, and eating 10 packs of tiny pretzels, the flight finally takes off.  Annoyed by the people around you talking about how great their vacation was while you were at work.  You encounter turbulence, feel nauseous.  Can’t wait for the flight to end.
Your racer finishes safely, breathe a sigh of relief.  Hike back to the lodge (this is the only exercise you get).  Wait for the next run.  Brace yourself for more interaction with Johnny Q Public.	You land safely and do a silent prayer. Walk briskly through the terminal looking for your gate for the next leg of your flight (this is the only exercise you get).  Prepare yourself to be surrounded by coughing sneezing passengers again.
Repeat the last two steps	Repeat the last two steps
Assuming your kid doesn’t get an award, you finally make it home after ten hours of driving, watching races, and being grossed out in the lodge. *Note:  of that ten hours, your kid raced for exactly 92 seconds (both runs)	Assuming you didn’t get bumped off your last flight, you arrive at your destination after ten hours of travel, sitting, and being grossed out on the plane.
Tragedy strikes:  your kid makes the podium.  Get a beer while you wait another two hours for the awards ceremony.	Tragedy strikes:  they lost your luggage.  Get a beer while you wait for the enthusiastic baggage administrator to track down your belongings.
Feel strangely dirty even though you haven’t done anything.  Exhausted, jump in the shower and go to bed.	Feel strangely dirty even though you haven’t done anything.  Exhausted, jump in shower and go to bed.
You paid a lot of money to feel this way.	You paid a lot of money to feel this way.

A Girl and Her Mother

I walked into my mother’s house somewhat tired after flying across the country with my two children.  The temperature was a cool 101 degrees, approximately the same temperature as my hot tub at home in Utah.   It’s ok, I had equipped myself for the visit by reading a book that stressed the concept of being present, maintaining calm and clearing the mind.  I was to be a spiritual warrior in the battlefield of my mother’s home.  There isn’t a land mine I couldn’t clear.

Until I used the upstairs bathroom and spied a facecloth from my youth hanging on the towel rack. You might wonder how I could possibly know a face cloth was the same one I used years ago, don’t they all look alike?  In the realm of most people’s normalcy, this is the case, however my mother went through a peculiar phase in the late sixties/early seventies where she bought fabric to make facecloths.  Yes, made them.  The fabric she used is representative of its time, the early 70’s.  It features a large black and white sixties looking flower springing forth from an ocean blue background.  So I am quite certain it is the same face cloth.  By my crude calculations I estimate it to be 35 years old.  It is made of cotton.  It must have been Egyptian cotton because it has defied every rule of textile logic since ancient times.  When I inquire as to why this historical relic is still in use in her 21^st century home, my mother insists she only uses it to dry the dog.  At this point, I tell her it should be a tapestry and she might want to consider donating it to the local textile museum.

Breathe, be calm, relax I remind myself.  I am going to be a good daughter; I will focus on the present.  I proceed downstairs to the small phone table cluttered with pens, random lists on the backside of envelopes, paperclips, and screws to look for a phone book.  I need a phone book to locate the nearest pharmacy as I’ve forgotten some toiletries.  I wasn’t searching for land mines, honest.  As I lift the phone book, a mass of papers fall to the ground.  It is a huge pile of Bed Bath and Beyond coupons for 20% off.  I count them.  25 coupons.   The irony of this situation slaps me in the face.  The woman who has a 35 year-old facecloth (I’m sure she has more than one) also has two years worth of Bed Bath and Beyond coupons just waiting to be used.  How does one reconcile this bizarre behavior? 

I’m not sure what she is waiting for.  Armageddon?  In a short tour of the house I can find at least 100 things she needs from BBB.   I know this is the Yankee mentality that has embedded itself in her gene pool.  I know she can’t help it.  I have fought it as well, but logic and time have led me to lead a much more clutter free life.

She simply can’t throw anything away.  Everything has a use.  At some point in the future, it will be useful to someone or for something.  It took me years to get her to donate things to people in need.  There is a ritual before this actually takes place.  First, the object goes through an agonizing trial to determine its value in the home.  When it is determined to be absolutely worthless, the thing tries its luck at a tag sale.  Then, if none of her friends want/need the item and it hasn’t perished from rejection, it finds itself at long lost in the pile for the veterans.  An item that lost its value 10 years ago, goes through another 2 years of purgatory in the overstuffed garage before it finds a good home with a new owner.  Or by this time, even the poorest of the poor have upgraded to the new model and have no need for the ancient item and it goes to the dump. 

The other issue we regularly debate (I use this term in the loosest of fashions) is her shredder.  Every piece of mail that has her name on it, every receipt that she has for anything she buys (via credit or cash) goes through the shredder.  There is some grounding for her paranoia; her husband was a victim of identify theft about 8 years ago.  I can pretty much guarantee it didn’t happen from a piece of mail pilfered from her trash.  I point out that if someone wants her address they can merely look in the phone book, they don’t need to rifle through her garbage or recycling.  I also point out that a purchase made with cash has no record of her name or personal information.

My mother is too kind.  This is ultimately the problem.  She can’t say no, she can’t part with things.  She has stray cats and dogs.  She has random plants that people have given her when they move that she doesn’t need, like or have room for.  Her intentions can’t be faulted, which makes it all the more difficult for me to accomplish my task of trying to change her ways. My goals too are not selfish or unrealistic.  I feel she would lead a happier, less entangled lifestyle if she were to get rid of the old, the unwanted, free up physical and psychological space.  Simplify.  At this point, I fear the only thing she wants to get rid of is probably me, I wouldn't even have the luxury of going to the veterans, she would send me straight to the dump.

Recipes January 25

Recipes this week:

Barefoot Contessa Linguine with Shrimp Scampi
This is easy, healthy and a family favorite.  Can be made in less than 10 minutes if you are using fresh shrimp.  Serve with a salad.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/linguine-with-shrimp-scampi-recipe3/index.html

Spinach, garbanzo bean and parmesan soup from Cooking Light
This is really light and healthy, serve with bread and a salad.
http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/spinach-pasta-pea-soup-50400000115796/

Southwestern Chopped Salad
I made this up from a bunch of different recipes.
1 bag of romaine lettuce chopped
1 cup of cooked black beans, rinsed
1 cup of cooked quinoa, cooled
1 cup of cooked corn, cooled
1 cup of cherry tomatoes, halved
1/2 cup of feta cheese
optional - one avocado sliced over top of salad
optional - slice grilled chicken or flank steak over top of salad

Mix everything together in a salad bowl and top with cilantro/lime dressing below:
1 cup of packed cilantro chopped a bit
1/4 cup of lime juice
2 T of orange juice
1/3 cup of olive oil (or walnut oil)
S&P
1/3 of a jalapeno chopped
1 clove of garlic chopped

Put all ingredients into food processor and blend, add olive oil with the blade going.  Add to salad.  Serves 4.

Kristie's Choice for January

Modern Family on Wednesday Nights

– Wholly entertaining.  The only show I tivo other than Bill Maher.

The Week Magazine

-You can read it in 45 minutes and be totally briefed on current events, cultural happenings, and quirky facts around the world.  I appreciate that it presents both liberal and conservative commentary.

Costco organic Peanut Butter 

– yummy, no sugar, cheap

Avalon Organics Vitamin C face lotion

 – a great daytime face lotion

The song” YouU and I” by Lady GaGa 

– catchy beat, uplifting, sexy

Gwyneth Paltrow cleanse 

– I’ve only tried a few recipes, but so far I like it – the carrot ginger salad dressing is tasty.
http://goop.com/newsletter/15/

LuLu Lemon “Run swiftly tech long sleeve shirt”

 – I could wear this shirt every day, it is so warm and wicks the sweat away. I wish I owned 7 of them. 

 http://shop.lululemon.com/products/clothes-accessories/top-rated-women/Run-Swiftly-Tech-LS-32870

Aloe Vera Juice 

– As my husband’s grandmother used to say in her strong welsh accent (usually loudly in a restaurant)  “IT'S GOOD FOR THE BOWELS!”

Teavana 

– The most expensive cup of tea you will ever have (except perhaps at the Ritz in London), but it is quite flavorful

Kusmi tea
- I first tried this in Paris while strolling down the Champs-Elysees after a few too many glasses of champagne.  The "Love Tea" is my favorite.  You can even get it on Amazon now.

"Lose It" App for Ipad 

– Efficient way to track the number of chocolate chips that you ate, resulting 1880 calories, and inability to burn them off over the next five days.

Recipes January 18th

This week I am making a couple of recipes from William Sonoma.

Roasted Chicken Breast over couscous salad
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/warm-chicken-and-couscous-salad.html?cm_src=RECIPESEARCH

For the Chicken
4 chicken breasts with the skin on
4 slices of lemon
1 garlic clove sliced
Fresh herb sprigs of your choice (sage, thyme, basil all work nicely)
S&P
Olive oil

Lift the skin off the chicken breasts and insert a slice of lemon, slice of garlic and one sprig of herb.  Pat it back down, rub the breast with a little olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Roast at 375 for about 40 minutes.  Serve over the couscous - which I served warm, not as a salad.

Roasted acorn squash goes well with this dish.

Pasta Rustica also from William Sonoma
http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/pasta-rustica-with-chicken-sausage-and-three-cheeses.html

This dish can be made ahead and baked right before serving.  Great with a caesar salad and crusty bread. yummy comfort food.

Sole Muniere with Spaghetti Squash and your choice of salad or green vegetable


http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/easy-sole-meuniere-recipe/index.html


We like our sole less lemony, so use lemon juice to your taste - and don't forget to use your best judgement with the butter!

For the spaghetti squash, cut in half lengthwise and remove seeds.  Please in a deep baking sheet cut side down and put some water in the bottom of pan.  Cook at 375 or 400 for 40-45 minutes.  Carefully remove from the oven (use mitts to get it out of the pan).  Scrape the sides with a fork, serve with butter, salt and parmesan cheese.

New Year's Resolutions

Have you created your New Year’s Resolutions?  I did.  My list was alarmingly similar to the one I made last year.  And the year before that.  Let’s see how my progress is so far.  5 stars is perfect, 0 stars means I haven’t made any progress.

1. Don’t swear

I’m having a hard time with this one.  For the most part, I don’t like to hear people curse, but every once in a while one of my creative friends comes up with descriptive and aptly timed phrases like “fucking ho-head” or “dick wad” and they make my day.  Perhaps I should revise this resolution to be “Don’t swear in front of the kids”.

2. Paint or write every day ***

While I was 5 days into the month of January before I was able to commence with this resolution, I have been faithful about writing or editing something nearly every day since then and I painted yesterday.  It wasn’t a museum quality piece, but after not painting for 6 months, I had to start somewhere.

3. Start a blog *****

Pretty happy about this one.  Whether I can maintain is another story.

4. Eat more Fruits and Vegetables **

This is one of those items that has been on my list since 2001.  I’m a reasonably healthy eater, but definitely have a problem with the next item...

5. Eat less sugar

This has been on my list since birth.  I’ve always had a sweet tooth.  I could eat sugar/chocolate for breakfast lunch and dinner.  And up until the last 3 years or so, it hasn’t slowed me down (as one might suspect about consuming large amounts of sugar).  Now that I am in the throws of middle age, I have started to see some negative effects.  While I truly believe that sugar is toxic and addictive, it’s not like cocaine or heroine; I never eat enough to make me throw up or need a shot of adrenaline pumped into my heart.  Unlike illegal drugs, sugar is available everywhere.  I don’t have to slump to a back alley and make an expensive illicit deal, I can go to a gas station, a vending machine, grocery store or bakery and conduct a perfectly legal, relatively cheap transaction in broad daylight to get my fix.  Every day since January 1st I’ve woken up and said “today is the day”, and by the time I get downstairs, I’m already headed to the pantry for a cookie for breakfast.  I ate an entire bag of chocolate chips (my ultimate nemesis) in two days.  I’m disgusted with myself. I will keep trying.   

6. Make some $$$ *

In the past this has come under the guise of “get a job” or perhaps more politically correct “get a job outside the home”.  Which is tricky enough in this depressing economy, even further out of reach when my hours and travel are severely limited because of my other full time job as a mom/cook/maid/taxi service/tutor/bookkeeper.  So this year, I’m going to think outside the box with some sort of home-based business. 

7. Plan a summer trip

We are only two weeks into January, I have to cut myself some slack.

8. Be Thankful***

I’m getting better at this.  Here are a few things I am thankful for:  my parents and in-laws are healthy, my kids are thriving, my husband has a job outside the home, my sunny studio where I write and paint, my awesome, supportive friends who like my blog, days filled with sunshine, my cute dog (pictured below on the chair in the living room where she is absolutely not allowed), a relatively good metabolism to burn off those chocolate chips.

9. Be Selfish **

Just doing items 2 and 3 is being selfish enough for me.  I’m also sitting here with a head full of mayonnaise and a face slathered in oatmeal and yogurt, so taking care of myself is also high on the selfish list. 

10. Clean out drawers (done!)*****

I know this is rather tactical, but when your house has been on the market for over a year, you can’t imagine what is stuffed in my drawers (and my kids’ drawers were unspeakable).  This task, while menial and somewhat degrading, does provide me with a sense of accomplishment, cleanliness, discovery, and organization (after my initial disgust, procrastination, and swearing!) that allows me to start the new year with a fresh mind and spirit.  

Recipes Jan 12th 2012

1. Beef and Broccoli Stir Fry http://chinese.food.com/recipe/the-best-easy-beef-and-broccoli-stir-fry-99476
This is really fast and easy served with jasmine rice.  I substitute one red bell pepper for the onions because my daughter doesn't care for them.  Better color too.  Serves 4.


2. Carrot bisque served with brown bread and a green salad made with goat cheese and roasted beets with balsamic vinegar and olive oil dressing.  Also good served with goat cheese broiled on toast.  This recipe is from my Jacqui from Paris, it is a very hardy soup.  Serves 4.

Carrot Bisque

5 slices of uncooked bacon

1 lb of carrots sliced thick

3 stalks of celery, sliced thick

1 cup of mushrooms, sliced

6 scallions, diced

1 cup of water

1 bay leaf, crumbled

4 sprigs of fresh thyme

¾ tsp salt

¼ tsp pepper

4 cups of chicken broth

1 cup of heavy cream or half and half

In a dutch oven, or non stick large sauce/soup –pan, brown the bacon.  Add the next 5 ingredients and saute approx 10 minutes.  Add the seasonings and chicken broth and simmer for 50 minutes.

Remove from heat and cool about 15 minutes.  Puree in the food processor 2 cups at a time (hot liquid expands).  Pour back into pot and bring to a boil.  Remove from heat and stir in the cream. 

**You can make the soup without the cream ahead of time and freeze it and then thaw and bring to a boil and add the cream just before serving. 

3. Turkey Meatloaf served with sweet potato fries (can also add the steamed green vegetable of your choice).  The following recipe is from the cookbook Entirely Entertaining in the Bonnet House Style, a gift from my sister-in-law, Carolyn.  Serves 4-6.


1 pound of ground turkey
1 onion, chopped
1 cup fresh breadcrumbs (or canned, or panko works fine also)
1 egg beaten
1/2 cup pine nuts, toasted
12 oil packed sun-dried tomatoes, drained and chopped
1/3 cup of milk
2 tsp chopped fresh rosemary or 1/2 tsp of dried
2 tsp chopped fresh oregano or 1/2 tsp dried
salt and pepper to taste


Combine all ingredients in a bowl and mix well.  Shape into a loaf and bake at 375 degrees for 50 minutes.   *If you make 4 mini meatloaves, they cook in about 30 minutes and the kids seem to like them better.


Sweet potato fries are easy to buy in the frozen section, or make them by cutting sweet potatoes in long 3/4 inch strips, toss them in olive oil, S&P, and bake at 400 for 40 minutes or so, turning 2-3 times.

A word about the recipes…

As the cold weather arrives, my cooking gets more inspired – because I spend more time on the treadmill watching the Food Network.  Honestly, I hate running but if I’m wrapped up in a good show, I can happily jog for an hour.  I could never sit and actually watch the Food Network, and I know it seems somewhat oxymoronic to be gaping at food preparation while burning calories, but it works for me. (Jim Gaffigan does a hilarious comedy routine about the food network). 

80% of what I know about cuisine comes from the talented chefs on the food network.  The other 20% comes from my grandmother, my stepfather and my friend Amanda.  My goal is to post 3 recipes per week, and I will have made all of them to ensure they are relatively easy (i.e. can be made in 30 minutes or less, or made ahead of time).  Most of the recipes I make originate from the following places:

Cooking Light – pretty self-explanatory.

William Sonoma – I received a set of cookbooks years ago as a gift and most of the recipes are solid and tasty.

Giada di Laurentis – I love Giada’s modern, clean kitchen (with amazing ocean view) and her healthy recipes.  I envy the fresh lemon tree she probably has in her yard (she uses lots of lemons).  Some people find her chipper demeanor and robotic smile insincere, but she doesn’t bother me.  I imagine that she might be one of those people that you hate in person because everything in her life seems so perfect, but she’s not my friend so I still cook her food.  I wonder how she keeps that trim, petite figure while eating all that Italian food.  I actually saw her in real life at a Sundance event in Park City, and ate a meal she prepared.  I proceeded to get the flu and up-chuck everything I ate, but I don’t think it was her cooking.

Barefoot Contessa – She is hands-down my favorite “culinary engineer” on the food network.  I have never made a recipe that wasn’t out of this world.  I am also jealous of her relationship with her husband Jeffrey, who makes appearances for roasted chicken on Fridays and brings her flowers.  I wish my husband would love me even if I were chubby.  Ina does tend to overdo it on the butter, so you have to take that into consideration during preparation, but her meals are divine.

Anne Burrell – I’ve only recently started to watch her show.  I was a little put-off by the spiky hair and cocky attitude, but she “reveals concise, easy-to-master techniques for the at-home cook” that are easy to follow and delicious.

Chefs who annoy me:

The Neelys – Their food does look hunky dory, but boy is it fattening and while it seems easy enough – you have to remember that there are two of them, so it is actually twice the work for the typical mom in the kitchen.  I also can’t fathom how they can be so cheery while bumping into each other in that kitchen cooking all day.  My husband would have been tied up like a pig and stuffed in the oven after a week of that nonsense.

Paula Deen – She is just so over-the-top sickly, southern sweet I can’t take it.  The NY Times called her a “brassy calorie pusher”.  Sometimes my remote control doesn’t get a good signal in the gym and I can’t change the channel while I’m running so I am forced to watch her show, but, you know y’all, I’ve never rustled up any of her best wishes dishes!  

Sandra Lee’s semi-homemade – I’m pretty sure that Sandra is on Prozac.  No one can be that jovial and have that many table settings without some chemical assistance.  I do like the fact that she includes a cocktail recipe on every show.  She must drink AND take Prozac to dream up some of those concoctions.

Five Ingredient Fix – while the title of this show is alluring – imagine making gourmet meals with only 5 ingredients!  It is misleading.  One ingredient is “lemon, garlic infused olive oil” – hello – that is 3 ingredients right there – not to mention you have to take a lot of time to let the olive oil infuse.  

The Cooking Channel – what is supposed to be an “edgier spin-off” of the Food Network is, quite frankly, just not there yet.  Keep trying.

The Middle Aged Beauty Routine

The Middle Aged Beauty Routine

I’ve been trying to take care of my skin since I was young.  I wouldn’t say I was obsessed but I did start using eye cream in my 20’s.  I think it was on my 20^th birthday.  Anyway, when you hit middle age you need to up your game.

If you are wondering why it takes your wife so long to get to bed (besides the obvious trying to avoid sex procrastination), the following might represent some of her activities:

Step 1: Oral Hygiene:  Brush teeth, floss, brush retainer/mouth guard, insert (this is also a good sex deterrent – the depiction in the movie “Date Night “is pretty accurate) use Crest whitening strips once a month.

Step 2: Cleansing:  Wash face with a mild natural cleanser from whole foods, follow with the clarisonic machine for eyes.  30 seconds per eye and another 30 seconds for my frown lines between my eyes (also known as the “11” lines or in yoga as the “third eye”). Although the brochure does not list this area for clarisonic use, I’m doing my own experiment.

Step 3: Moisturize and anti-aging:  Apply product with retinol to reduce fine lines (but not on the nose because that produces peeling, use another moisturizing night cream for that area).  Apply eye cream to eye area.  Apply nighttime moisture cream OVER the retinol cream.  Apply “frownie” to aforementioned frown lines (a diamond shaped piece of paper that looks like the part of an envelope that you lick).  For some inexplicable reason, my third eye is very active at night, so this helpful little piece of paper (which has been around for years and is the cheapest of all the products I own) keeps me from exercising my frown muscles at night. .  In the morning I awake minus the 11 lines (and without enlightenment – but we all have to suffer for beauty), however, the results are not long lasting.  Typically I cannot stay out past 9 pm for fear that my 11 lines will resurface.  I run from any social engagement like Cinderella at midnight. (this is not me in the photo - that is a airbrushed model who clearly doesn't need frownies)

Step 4:  Rough body parts:  Almost done.  I have finally left the bathroom and am entering the bedroom. At this point you might guess that my husband has been asleep for well over 30 minutes and it would be safe to enter the sheets.  THINK AGAIN.  The guy is a total night owl with the sex drive of an 18 year-old (thank goodness, he does not possess a matching refractory period).  Clearly he also doesn’t look at my face anymore because he is not at all deterred by the sticker on my forehead or unattractive plastic contraption in my mouth.  While simultaneously pushing away groping paws, I slather my feet with Aquaphor to prevent my heels from cracking, then apply Burts Bees cuticle cream, and softening hand cream.  And of course, lib balm.  Ok, I think I’m done and begrudgingly ready for conjugal duties.

Step 5:  Vitamins: Wait!  I forgot the vitamins that I take before bed:  B12 for memory, fish oil for healthy heart and mind, Biotin so my brittle hair will grow, evening primrose oil for my skin, and of course calcium so I don’t shrink.  

Step 6:  Hormone therapy: While I am in the bathroom taking vitamins, I remember my progesterone cream that I rub on my wrists to control my hormones.  It has the added benefit of preventing me from murdering my family during certain times of the month.

Step 7:  Hair loss:  Shit, I forgot about Latisse for my eyelashes, which, in their fabulous youth were dark, long, and naturally curly.  I’m not sure when they decided to leave my eyelids, but somewhere in my early 40’s they began to disappear one by one.  And they never replenished themselves.  Applying Latisse a few times a week is a very effective beauty aid for this particular ailment. 

Step 8:  The Fountain of Youth - Sleep:  When I’m at home (and alone), everything is dark and quiet so at this point, I can finally go to sleep (only to wake 3 hours later in a full-on sweat – but that is a whole other topic for another blog).  However, if I’m traveling – I take extra measures to ensure a rejuvenating slumber by adding bright orange industrial earplugs (from Home Depot) and the blue sleep mask (compliments of Delta I think).  Of course, I only do this in front of my dearest and closest friends because I know they would never tell anyone or make fun of me (NOT!).  

If this is what my routine looks like at 45, I may never make it to bed at 65.  I’m hoping that by 85 I will have accepted the aging process and simply take out my dentures and my hearing aid, clap out the lights, and fall into my craftmatic bed.